Newsletter 17
Summer 2003/2004
Welcome to the Summer edition of the Southern Insight Newsletter.
In what for many people is the “big wind up” before Christmas
there are hopefully some inspiring articles in here to help you through
some of the more stressful aspects this can bring up (and some cartoons
so that at least you can have a laugh in the midst of it!).
In mid-November we welcomed Sharda Rogell who taught the Show Weekend
retreat. This is Sharda’s second trip to the South Island
and although she found the weather something of a surprise (snow followed
by Norwest gales at Staveley!) her teachings were full of warmth, fun
and wisdom. Many of the Christchurch Sangha managed to attend her
longer retreat held in the Coromandel at Te Moata, and while three days
is certainly better than nothing we hope to entice her to make a longer
visit next time she is in New Zealand.
In January we will be running a retreat with a much respected and loved
teacher – Subhana Barzaghi. Subhana has inspired and supported
the Southern Insight Sangha since we began 6 years ago and we are very
glad to have her back bringing her characteristic humour and understanding.
On a past retreat Subhana quoted one of her own teachers telling us that
“a retreat is a treat” which is a wonderful (and often needed)
reminder of what a privilege and joyful occasion a retreat can be.
Wishing you all a peaceful and joyful path through the holiday season
and a happy beginning to the New Year.
People travel to wonder at the height of mountains,
at the huge waves of the sea,
at the long courses of rivers,
at the vast compass of the ocean,
at the circular motion of the stars;
and they pass by themselves without wondering.
- St Augustine
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NEWS FROM THE STEERING GROUP
- Contributions are welcomed for the newsletter.
- If you see any interesting articles or quotes while surfing the net or reading, please send them in to iriyapatha@yahoo.com
- Di plans to lead a beginner group during 2004. Please contact her if you are interested, on 332 8724.
In your hopelessness is the only hope,
and in your desirelessness is your only fulfillment,
and in your tremendous helplessness suddenly the whole existence starts
helping you.
-Osho
FROM SELF – JUDGEMENT TO BEING OURSELVES
Below is a talk by Diana Winston kindly given to us for reproduction.
Diana has been involved with IMS's Young Adult Retreat since 1993. She
teaches dharma to teenagers and adults, and is currently training with
Jack Kornfield as a vipassana teacher. Her upcoming book, due out from
Pedigree Press in summer 2003, is called 'Wide awake: A buddhist guide
for teens'. She is also the founder of the Buddhist Alliance for Social
Engagement program. This talk was given at a retreat for young adults
in June 2002.
Tonight I am going to talk about something that many of us deal with,
especially in our teenage years: self-judgement. Here we are in retreat,
which is a kind of laboratory for looking closely at what's happening
in our bodies and minds. A retreat is a great place to observe self-judgement,
and it's a place to learn how to relate to these old habits in new ways.
I'll talk about how we can work with self-judgement and move from it into
fully being ourselves.
Since you've been sitting on the cushion for a while now, I'm sure you've
experienced a lot of judgements that either put you down or build you
up. We experience judgments as ongoing chatter in the mind: "I'm
not very good at this; the person next to me is better than me. But I'm
better than the person in front of me. That person has a much nicer outfit
than I do. My back isn't straight at all!" I've had thoughts like
this on retreats. When we're home we have judgments that come up all the
time, too: "I'm too fat. I'm too thin. I'm not attractive. I'm bad
at school. I'm good at school."
These voices seem like they are on automatic pilot in our head. A fourteen-year-old
told me that every time he doesn't do well on a test, a voice inside his
head says, "You're so stupid." I wonder if you can relate to
this? If somebody said to you, "You are stupid and a failure",
you would probably be shocked that they would say something like that.
But rarely are we shocked when we say the same thing to ourselves. Actually
we say some pretty awful things to ourselves, and we think it's normal
to say them.
Where do these voices come from? They are voices that have been conditioned into us. They may have come from our family, when our parents said things like, "You're just not doing it right. You'll never be as good as your older sister." Or maybe they’re from friends, or teachers at school. We also live in a culture that is incredibly superficial, that gives us messages that we are supposed to be thin, beautiful, successful and rich. It's really painful, because most of us don't fit the standards of what society says we are supposed to be.
Now, it is also important to differentiate between judgment and discernment.
Discernment is something that recognises what is happening and knows it
to be what it is. For instance, if you get on a scale and you look at
your weight and you say, "I weigh 110 pounds". That's discernment.
But if you then go on to say "Oh no, I'm fat. I'm disgusting. I weigh
110 pounds." That's a judgment. We have to be careful not to confuse
these two. Discernment just recognises things and we know them to be true.
But negative judgment has a slight layer of aversion, or of wanting something
to be different.
We can also call judgement 'comparing mind'. Sometimes we compare what
is actually happening now with our imagination of what is supposed to
be happening. "I'm supposed to come to IMS and all my problems will
be solved. I'll figure out everything about my life and everyone will
love me." But if that doesn't happen, then we feel bad. We feel bad
when we are meditating because of the comparisons of what happened last
time ("Remember that bliss!") or what we think will happen next
time ("Maybe no pain?"), or what should be happening now but
isn't
happening ("I can't concentrate!").
The Buddha had a word for comparison,
the word mana, which means pride or ego or thinking too much about ourselves.
A lot of our judgments say "I'm greater than, I'm lesser than, or
I'm equal to this or that," and this is just mana - pride or ego
coming up in the mind. The thing that I find so interesting about mana
is that 2,500 years ago, when the Buddha was alive, people were judging
themselves just as much as we do now. They were judging others, and comparing
everything. When I remember this I think, "Oh, actually 'comparing
mind' is normal. Everybody does it."
So how do we work with these judgements when we are meditating, particularly
the negative judgements -when we are cruel to ourselves? First, we can
become aware of these judgements arising in the mind. Every time you see
one go by, just notice it: "I'm a terrible meditator today because
I wanted to sleep late. Hey, that's a judgement. That's interesting."
When you notice a judgment, it's also useful to observe what it feels
like in the body. How exactly does it feel? I know when I feel judgemental
of myself I often feel a burning in my stomach. That burning can become
an object of meditation. We take interest in the judgements. We feel it.
If it's painful (which it often is) it can make us feel sad. We can notice
that:
"Oh, there's me judging myself again. It makes me feel sad. Hmmm.”
The second way to work with judgement is something we've been talking about: remembering impermanence. This is one of the major teachings of the Buddha. As we meditate, we see for ourselves that we don't stay the same from moment to moment. Our minds, thoughts, body sensations, and breath are always changing. The more we observe the impermanence inside ourselves, the more we will remember the truth of change when we need it -when we are experiencing difficult thoughts and emotions. If we can recall impermanence, we can know inside that we are not always this way. We're not always bad. We're not always ugly. We're not always fat or thin - or whatever. It's impossible. We're not even always judging. In fact, a lot of the time we don’t have much self-hatred or judgement in our minds at all. Things are pretty good.
The third way to work with self-judgement is to count judgements: "I'm a rotten meditator, judging one... My brother's better in school than I am, judging two," and so on. I once gave this exercise to some twelve-year-old girls in a dharma group. I said, "Why don't you practice counting the judgements you experience in your daily life?" I didn't see the girls until a month later, and the first thing one of them said to me was, "One thousand six hundred and twelve." I said, "What?" I didn't know what she was talking about. And she said, "I've been counting judgements." Apparently she went to school and started counting her own judgements, and then she started counting her friends' judgements. Then any time anybody in her classes made a judgement she would count it out loud. She spent the entire month at school counting judgements. I thought it was just amazing that she was that mindful and persistent, although possibly annoying to her friends!
A fourth thing to know is that judgements are just thoughts. This is something you can see in your practice, every moment that you're aware of a thought coming and going. Many of you have told me that you've seen this on this retreat. "There's a thought coming. I become aware of it. And it goes." What's the big deal? Thinking, "I can't do this right," or "That person's sitting much straighter than I am," is not so different from "The sky is blue". It's just a thought.
Finally we need to remember to be careful about judging the judging. After a judgement arises, the next thought might be, "Oh, that was a judgement. Diana told me last night I shouldn't judge, so that was bad of me. Oh no! Now I'm judging that I'm judging." It can go on and on and on. Try to be aware of all the funny things your mind does. It can become interesting to notice the layers, one on top of the other. And sometimes, in the noticing, something shifts; you might take them less seriously.
Acceptance is at the core of mindfulness. We can't be fully mindful if we don't accept some piece of ourselves, or our experience. If we grit our teeth and say, "I am mindful of this knee pain," but actually we want to get rid of the knee pain, we have a fake kind of mindfulness. Our mindfulness is colored by aversion - not wanting, or trying to push away the experience. Mindfulness needs acceptance in order to fully, honestly be mindful. The good news is, the more we practice, the more that we can accept ourselves.
Practicing mindfulness develops an accepting quality of our heart. When we sit through so many different kinds of experiences, we learn to accept whatever comes up, because we are no longer taking it so personally. When we can see the thought, "I'm a terrible meditator" coming up for the fiftieth time, we learn to relax a little and accept it. It's not a big deal.
That's the amazing thing about mindfulness practice. We need self-acceptance
in order to practice, and as we practice we develop more self-acceptance.
It's a lovely circle.
Remember, when we talk about acceptance we're not talking about complacency
or passivity. Acceptance is not saying, "Okay, I'll just give up
and accept things as they are." It's really important that we don't
give up in passivity, particularly when things are difficult or we know
they are not right. Acceptance understands when there is injustice, or
when you need to work for a change in the world, or for a change inside
yourself. Acceptance includes the wisdom to get out of a relationship
when you're in a lot of pain or not getting what you need.
Today in our group one teen said, "Maybe a better word for acceptance is understanding". I really like that. True acceptance is a quality of mind that sees things clearly. It understands and accepts things out of wisdom, not out of hatred, fear or apathy. For example, you can hate yourself and want to change something about yourself, or you can see yourself clearly and want to change something about yourself. These are two very different things. When we accept because we see clearly, we can act with love and compassion rather than acting out of fear and anger. This works in all areas of our lives.
One thing I have learned from this practice - and I want to pass this on to you - is that I am okay exactly as I am. And all of you are okay exactly as you are. You can be loudmouthed and opinionated and silly and into punk rock - whatever is you. You are you. And when you fully step into who you are, you are embracing your spirituality by fully accepting yourself. This practice, whether or not you think of yourself as buddhist, is not supposed to make you into a zombie, or someone with no emotions, or someone who's good all the time, or anything like that. The practice is about being you. When you develop awareness, while you maintain a strong foundation of ethics, you can be who you are more deeply - and the whole world benefits.
Martha Graham, the dancer, said, "There is a vitality that is translated through you into action. And because there is only one of you in all time, this _expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to clearly and directly, keep the channel open."Fully being exactly who we are, is part of our spiritual practice. When we become aware of how we judge ourselves, and learn to work with judgments, we begin to soften; and the goodness of who we are comes to the surface. I like to call it our 'inner goodness'. It's something inside us that knows - no matter how messed up we feel, or how many problems we have, or whatever - that we are actually good.
Meditation will bring you in touch with your inner goodness. You will taste it. You will have moments while you're practicing when suddenly everything is okay. You just know it, and you drop in to the sense of being alive. And this happiness is not dependent upon anything in particular, but comes from being awake and present in this moment. You might feel this inner goodness when you’re doing sports, or when you're taking a walk in nature, or when you fall in love. It's the truth of who you are, and this practice helps us touch into it. It's a gift.
WEDNESDAY EVENING DHARMA TALKS
Every third Wednesday of the month teachings are offered on the practice
of insight meditation. These are held at Ferndale school, 104 Merivale
Lane (off Papanui Road). The evening, which includes a guided meditation,
starts at 7.30pm and runs until 9.15pm.These talks will resume on February
18th 2004.
Donations are collected for the teacher and the hire of the room.
All are welcome.
Why are you unhappy?
Because 99.9% of everything you think,
and of everything you do,
is for yourself,
And there isn't one.
-Wei Wu Wei
RUSSELL WALKER ASSISTANCE FUND
If you would like to contribute dana to help support Russell, there
is an account in his name at the ASB:
12-3147-0112633-50
Russell is extremely grateful for all contributions that have been made
to this fund. It has been an invaluable support for him and his family's
livelihood.
THE COOKERY CORNER…
This time we are letting out the secret of our retreat Courgette and chickpea curry. Remember all the recipes are for ten people!
2 C raw Chickpeas – soaked overnight (cooked will give 5 cups)
5 onions
¼ C oil
1/2 C white flour
4.5 heaped teaspoons curry paste – to taste (add little by little
until hot enough)
4.5 tablespoons tomato paste
3 cups vegetable stock (3 cups water + 4.5 level teaspoons vecon)
4.5 tablespoons peanut butter
4.5 teaspoons soya sauce
7.5 courgettes
7.5 carrots
0.75 head of cauliflower
pinch of pepper
- Drain and rinse chickpeas, cover with water and boil 2 hours or until cooked.
- Fry onions in oil. Sprinkle flour over and cook briefly. Add vegetable stock, curry paste, tomato paste and simmer 5 minutes. Stir in peanut butter and soya sauce.
- Steam carrots, courgettes and other vegetables until barely cooked.
- Combine vegetables, chickpeas and sauce.
- Serve with natural yoghurt, rice, and salad (lettuce salad with mustard and honey dressing)
FORGIVENESS
As we sit in the stillness and as different memories and impressions surface, we begin to experience it all with a lot less defensiveness, because our hearts have softened, have opened. We can just see each situation for what it is. And in this space of acceptance and lack of defensiveness, it becomes much easier to forgive ourselves, to forgive other people. This attitude is expressed wonderfully in a line by W.H.Auden, the poet. He said, “Love your crooked neighbour with all your crooked heart”. I love this as an _expression of metta, for ourselves, for others. It’s just an acknowledgement that we’re all a mixture of qualities - we’ve all done some mix of skillful and unskillful things, and if we can see that with openness and acceptance and a certain ease, the quality of forgiveness comes very easily.
Joseph Goldstein
ZAFUS/CUSHIONS
Some people have been asking where they can buy meditation cushions (known as ‘zafus’. The local Zen group makes and sells black zafus (call Shane on 942 3563) – if you want a coloured one, we can supply you with a pattern to make up yourself, and it is also possible that we will make some on future retreats that will be available for sale.
LOVE THAT DESIRES AND LOVING-KINDNESS – THE DIFFERENCE
I see lovingkindness as being a basic generosity of the heart.
It’s the simple wish, for ourselves and for others, to be happy.
And the particular quality of metta (lovingkindness) is that it’s
not seeking any self benefit, it’s not seeking anything back.
This is its great power. There are no expectations in metta - we’re
not doing it in order to get something back. It’s just simple
generosity – be happy. May I be happy, may you be happy.
And in this simplicity of goodwill, metta doesn’t make any distinctions
between people, which is very unlike the feeling of love with desire,
or love with attachment, which in some way is our more usual experience.
In our relationships mostly we feel love mixed in with desire or attachment.
But there are some very significant limitations on that, because love
mixed in with desire and attachment, is always for a limited number of
people – we desire one person, two people, three people?….four
people? But it would be impossible and unthinkable to have desire
for all beings. I mean, that would be a lower realm!
Its interesting to see that desire does not have the capacity to touch
all beings, and yet this is precisely the quality that metta has, which
makes it so different. This ability to embrace all is expressed
really beautifully in a line by the Japanese poet Issa. He said
“In the cherry blossom’s shade, there’s no such thing
as a stranger”. I love that, its just such a beautiful image,
which to me expresses the feeling of metta. In the _expression of
metta, in the shade of metta, there’s no such thing as a stranger
- everyone, every being can be included. And even perhaps more importantly
for us, and more strikingly, unlike the love mixed with desire or attachment,
metta does not easily turn into ill-will, jealousy, or anger. Now
how often, in our more usual relationships, are we tremendously in love
with someone, but mixed with desire and attachment, and then conditions
change and this relationship which was so full of this love, all of a
sudden, is full of tremendous anger, tremendous jealousy. But metta
doesn’t turn that way very easily, for a very simple reason: we
don’t want anything back. When we’re expressing metta,
it’s independent of how the other person is, its not dependent on
conditions, we’re not looking for anything in return, and that’s
precisely it’s great strength and its durability. People or
situations don’t have to be a certain way for us to have loving
feelings. We see this in formal metta practice when we start working
with the neutral or difficult person. Starting with the neutral
person, for example, someone who you don’t even know - you start
doing metta for them, you start wishing them well, and all of a sudden
you have these tremendously loving feelings for someone who you don’t
know. That’s very instructive, because what shows us is that
how we feel about people fundamentally is up to us. This is tremendously
empowering.
Joseph Goldstein, from his talk ‘The Awakened Heart: an Antidote
to Fear’
(Tape 131)
KNOWLEDGE
I am boundless space.
The world is a clay pot.
This is the truth.
There is nothing to accept,
Nothing to reject,
Nothing to dissolve.
I am the ocean.
All the worlds are like waves.
This is the truth.
Nothing to hold on to,
Nothing to let go of,
Nothing to dissolve.
I am the mother-of-pearl.
The world is a vein of silver,
An illusion!
This is the truth.
Nothing to grasp,
Nothing to spurn,
Nothing to dissolve.
I am in all beings.
All beings are in me.
This is the whole truth.
Nothing to embrace,
Nothing to relinquish,
Nothing to dissolve.
-From the Ashtavakra Gita
translated by Thomas Byrom
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